First and foremost, never accept the word no! If you are in the position of primary caregiver, you must understand and define the goal you wish to achieve.
As I began my journey with my Mom, Fran, I had no idea how to manage someone else’s life, honestly I can barely manage my own!
I thought the move to Michigan was a test of my sanity, managing the health system became my nemesis.
I was fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to visit with my Moms attorney and update her will and trust when my younger brother passed away, it allowed me the opportunity to update her wishes and provided me with a clear power of attorney.
The Power of Attorney has been my savior, I cannot imagine how I would have been a resource at all for Fran without it. If it’s not the holy grail, it’s the next best.
I am not dispensing advice, just recounting my personal experience as I learned by each experience and encounter. I knew I had POA but in order to activate, I needed two doctors to concur that Fran needed help.
Our first experience at the ER when she was hallucinating and behaving erratically was a joke . To be perfectly honest, it was a travesty as the ER doctor was overwhelmed and uninterested in what I had to say.
As I described in my blog, I knew it was a matter of time before we would be back. As I begged for help I was sent home with a referral to another doctor who would not prescribe any meds, or help because she did not have an established relationship with Fran.
As we endured several more months of hallucinations, accusations and general anxiety on both sides, the only help I had was from her primary doctor,
Fran’s primary recognized the severity and helped me try to push forward with some options. While most attempts failed, I felt at least I had someone who knew what I was dealing with.
When she had another episode in late summer, I knew I had to get aggressive so we could finally get help for my Mom. As I noted in The Book Of Fran blog, our second experience wasn’t much better.
As I raced to the ER I was laser focused on what I felt needed to transpire. After Fran took several swings at the security police she was safe in a room, ready for a doctor to assess the situation.
The nurse tries to calm Fran and I finally expressed to everyone that I wanted a petition. It was if the world stopped spinning and I was led to a room to sign paperwork as her POA!
As the doctor finally arrived I was relieved, then immediately put off by his miserable bedside manner and holier than thou attitude. He began the conversation with asking who allowed this 94 year old woman to live independently?
I politely (gritting my teeth and swallowing the words I wanted to say) admitted I allowed it. I explained it was an agreement Fran and I made to get her to move to Michigan,
I seriously doubt he had heard a word I said, he started snapping his fingers and yelling her name to get her attention. He was several feet from her good ear (all which I explained before) and was frustrated she did not respond.
I had enough, I told him I had a petition and that I needed time to find her a safe place to move to. He promptly informed me that it took two doctors and essentially my POA was worthless outside the hospital.
I advised the all powerful doctor that he was misinformed and he needed to focus his attention on Fran’s condition and getting her the medications she needed.
I explained in no uncertain terms we were not leaving, this was not our first rodeo. I insisted they keep her overnight for observation as she was a threat to herself and I was definitely afraid of her.
It took five days to stabilize Fran, time I needed to find a facility, plus move her. As I was searching for the location, I was unaware the hospital had other ideas.
They assumed she would need a medicaid facility while I was searching for a private pay. I still cannot understand the disconnect with the number of people involved, including a facilitator who was specifically assigned to her case for placement.
It’s part of the frustration I have experienced along this journey.
Communication is the one word I rely on to focus on each task. I ask, I question, I suggest and I write it down.
Next up: Finding a facility